Lately, I’ve been feeling worse. It’s due to a lot of things – the court case with the Social Insurance Institution, the disability assessment committee, a romantic relationship that isn’t progressing, lack of job prospects, and a less active social life (which always keeps me grounded). Things are just worse. I have the right to sit and cry. Something else happened that plunged me into the depths of black despair.
I occasionally perform concerts. Not as Kotołak and not with a metal repertoire, but I do perform. As part of my singing lessons, I am required to participate in a few performances, some of which are public. My last performance was a chamber concert, and I described it as a concert from hell. I didn’t mess up the performance, but even today (the 5th day) I’m still affected by the emotions from it.
I don’t think sharing the details of the situation is necessary or appropriate. Let it stay between those who know what it’s about. For those not in the loop, it involves my concerns about having a certain artistic vision imposed on me, which doesn’t serve me well. Me or Kotołak. I believe that if my goals had been more respected, I would have achieved more technically by now. More and, most importantly for me, more USEFULLY. Soon, I want to “get back into the studio,” and I have fears that I shouldn’t have after this time of learning. I’d like to go to a jam session and… damn it. I feel, I have nothing to bring.
Everyone trying to “open me up to music” usually has good intentions… or they just want me to get over being a “heavy metal jerk.”
Let’s be honest…
I realize there are basic technical aspects. This applies not only to singing but to every instrument. I know that when starting out, I can’t immediately dance with fire like Dickinson, LaBrie, Dio, etc. But I believe I should work on these skills as early as possible. First, while improving vocal emission, I should focus on controlling dynamics and consciously achieving the right sound. And I should have pieces where I can use these skills. Nothing teaches like the stage, even if you’re performing in front of the same few people (and that’s one of the reasons I think jamming is very necessary for me).
Let’s add one more thing. Contrary to popular belief, heavy metal is not dumb and easy music. Note that the entire genre is divided into many subgenres with completely different sounds and levels of complexity. I focus on progressive metal, one of the most musically complex genres not only in metal. One of the many characteristics of prog is incorporating non-metal elements into metal and striving to still make it sound like metal. It takes a lot of effort. To be a good prog musician, you need to know music theory thoroughly and not stop at the basics. Moreover, you need to step out of metal. Besides metal, I enjoy jazz, blues, and folk music (not to be confused with folk-polo). When I’m not in the mood for metal, I listen to one of these genres. I have mastered the basics of jazz guitar (by the way, my guitar journey started with playing jazz), which few people know about. So yes, I need to constantly expand my knowledge of music. And I need to learn about other genres to make prog interesting.
BUT… progressive metal is still HEAVY METAL. It has the same core, and that’s where I should focus my attention. First and foremost, I need to achieve a vocal ability that allows me to perform METAL. If I want to “enrich” myself and explore other (even quieter) sides, I want to do it when my technical skills meet my expectations. And I want to enrich myself in the direction that I choose. I like traditional white singing. A skill that’s completely unnecessary for me, but someday I’ll take it on. Similarly with overtone singing or singing in quarter tones (as in Middle Eastern music). The latter is completely out of my reach, and white singing will have to wait.
I am musically mature enough now that I don’t need someone pointing me in the right direction… I know what I want.
Any deviation from my goal is harmful. I need to remind myself why I got into music in the first place.
It was about dealing with my own psyche. Even today, music serves as my occupational therapy workshop. It’s a means of processing and releasing emotions. It’s my shield against depression. A rock against the brutality of life.
Few people realize the fact that…
… thanks to Kotołak, I am still alive.
Any interference with my musical goals increases the chance that I might commit suicide during the next life crisis.
And life is preparing another dose of challenges for me – within a month, the court case regarding my disability pension and the disability certification will be decided – two potential flashpoints. There’s also a guy, where despite mutual feelings, the relationship is stagnant and not moving forward. Because it takes both parties wanting to face their fears and the established routine of single life. I don’t want to die again because of a failed relationship… and there’s nothing I can do to move things forward… but I don’t intend to confess my heart problems here.
I want to work on my shield!
Because whether I feel progress could be the thing that saves my life the next time everything goes to hell. Even if I win against the Social Insurance Institution now, the rumors about good judgments in Gdańsk turn out to be true, and I end up with the sweetest and most handsome man in the world… the Wheel of Fortune will turn one day anyway. And then Kotołak has to protect me.
Do you now understand why this is so important to me?
Now I’m focusing on the vocal booth and… I’ll have to practice on my own what I need. Without supervision, there’s a chance of screwing up. But oh well… the stakes are worth it. I need to get back to the studio as soon as possible.